Cancer

I. Diligo

I used to think you were the

Answer - I had so many questions in my life
I thought you came to help but now I know that you were just a
Cancer - you were malignant while I was benign
But now I cut you out - that's right, I cut you out

I opened my soul up to you
You took it all in - you found a good use
I made myself vulnerable
You wasted no time becoming a black hole
I tried to cope with what you were for so long
I tried to justify all of your wrongs
I thought that I was gonna be the one
But it's hard to be the one when there's hundreds in the waiting

Pain - this could kill me
Open heart surgery
I thought you loved me
I thought wrong

I gave you more than I could give
I thought you would be my reason to live
I etched your name upon my heart
You never loved me - you lied from the start
I backed away and you pulled me back in
You kept the world shielded from your sins
You hide behind a thousand masks within
But I saw through your lies, and like a fool I waited

Name - i.am. poison
My heart was beaten
You thought you could use me
You thought wrong

II. Abyssus

Abandon all hope, ye who enter in
The ice queen's lair a treacherous disguise
No peace outside if nothing is within
With red lips she is sealing my demise

The boundless acts of selfishness and sin
So many were deceived by all the lies
I justified her every foolish action
I could not see past the burns in my eyes

Piteous loathing to make me feel sorrow
I comfort you to sleep, I stayed awake
And when I finally rested to tomorrow
I'd already been bitten by the snake

You make your life seem like a saddened story
Passive aggressive, begging to be saved
You fooled so many as you stole their glory
And I was such a foolish willing slave

My soul burns alive
I am not alive
You were just a lie
You destroyed my life

III. Libertas

My eyes are open
How did I get in this cage?
I don't deserve this
I'll cast aside the chains
My heart is beating
I can't deny the pain
This time I'm leaving
I'm ready to live again

One last token of my good will
Shatter your fortress, expose your ill
You said you wanted to be free
Who better to do that than me?

I will carry the burden of an enemy
I will carry the burden of truth
I will cast out the burden of misery
I do not belong to you

We're free
So let it be
Finally free
Let it be

Freedom

Universe

You could just be my universe
and I could be okay with that.
I'll give you all the space you want,
just please remember where I am.
I do not share the common fears
of all the ones you've known before.
I do not fear most anything.
I will protect. I will provide.
I'm not scared of what's possible;
most of my fears reside among
others. I can't control your fate
nor do I truly want to try.
I just want you to know my fear
is that you'll live life without love
like mine.

Warden

It is hard to break out of a cage
unless you understand the mechanism
that confines you. Unless you know how you
ended up inside in the first place.
Oh, fear is no different. We committed
a crime against ourselves, yes. So what do we do?
We find our suspect inside our heart and
incarcerate them. Guilty until proven innocent,
that's our way of justice.
No clemency. No conjugal visit. Just isolation.
No warden dangling a key, snoring so we can
plot a great escape, no.
The key was always in our pockets.
We are the only residents.
The door was always unlocked.
We're here because we fear
freedom.

The sunlight burns my eyes. Such a heavy weight.
I will fear freedom no more.




"So crawl across this desert heat and become tragic with me. And now that we are not alone, you know that we could never be." - quoted from Safe Haven, written by Andrew Schwab

Who?

I'm not a funeral
I'm an incinerator
I'm not a card
I'm the game
I'm not an animal
I'm a species
I'm not a map
I'm a journey
I'm not an omen
I'm a prophet
I'm not what you want
I'm what you need
I'm not a question
I'm an answer
I'm not the darkness
I'm the night
I'm not medicine
I'm a cure
I'm not the one
I'm the only one

The Forgotten

I guess that
In the long run
I was no one
I'd run a blade through your heart
If I thought you had one
I'd sell my life away
To watch you come undone
I never thought I would be
The forgotten

Pick-Up

Pick up the phone
The night is dark
Cold and alone
So is my heart
A monster grows
Malignant? Hmm
So few do know
So few attempt
I want to speak
I want to cry
I'm trying hard
To stay alive
My enemy
Is time itself
I'll fight till I
Have nothing left
When I am drained
Beyond my strength
I'll reach for you
Whatever length
Will you be there
When I'm alone?
Will you pick up
The telephone?
It doesn't weigh
As much as me
But sometimes it
Is so heavy
I understand
I really do
My words are not
Good substitutes
I never was
That good at this
Is ignorance
So surely bliss?
I do not know
What else to say
I hope that I
Make sense someday
So now I lay
Me down to sleep
Please pray my life
Is mine to keep
But if I die
Before I wake
I hope my call
Is one you'll take

Idioms

You told me there's no atheists in foxholes
At first I was inclined to just agree
But then I couldn't help but be more thoughtful
I had to apply your wisdom to me
See, I have lived in foxholes my whole lifetime
And I believe in nothing to this day
So when I ponder what you tried to imply
I realize that was so dumb to say
I've struggled, battled, lost and won so many
For most of my life all I've known is war
I've loved and hated just as much as any
But unless there was conflict, I got bored
So what I'm saying isn't that I'm righteous
And I'm not even saying that I'm right
I'll probably be fighting till I'm lifeless
Because I know no other way of life
I don't believe in anything at all now
It doesn't mean that I have lost my faith
I'll fight for those I love, protect them somehow
From evil in the world that does await
I'll even protect my loved ones from myself
Because I know that I will scare them off
So if I'm just a picture on a bookshelf
Their lives might just be better after all
You said there were no atheists in foxholes
In most ways I'm inclined to just agree
But when I think about it, there's a plot hole
That idiom forgot to think of me

Unnecessary Mortal

Easily dismissed
You do not persist
Drop me like a bad habit
Pick up a new prick
Cunning narcissist
Live among the hypocrites

You're not innocent
You're just ignorant
There's a difference
You're never gonna find a way to
Deal with it
It's deliberate
So live in it
You're getting all that you deserve

Pleading out my case
Suddenly erased
Replaced by a brand new face
No more need for me
Bring me to my knees
Swing the blade, behead me please

The demon took a multi-armed form
She said, 'I am become death
Destroyer of worlds."
And as she spread her body
Consuming all around
She was destroyed herself

My Enemy

circa 2006

My enemy's in disbelief that I am still around today
To shake off all my misery, to channel it into a better place
My enemies are surrounding me with trials, tribulations abound
The fire's burning ever brighter as the day collapses with a fragile sound
My enemy's inside my mind and taunting me, telling me I'll never be
And everything I love, cherish, honor and fight for I'll never see
My enemy's always behind my back, always cluttering my shelf
But every time I see my enemy I see he looks so much like myself

My enemy is not alone, he breaks the mirror into shards
Ignites the past, burns me alive and carries glass into my scars
My enemy is not alone, she turns the key and slowly locks the door
Throws it away in my cavernous heart leaving me constantly begging for more
My enemy is not just a human being, it's a struggle from within
It's a fight I've longed to fight beside my life as I continue living in this sin
My enemy deserves to die but thrives, on my life and inner wealth
And every time I think I figured it out, I'm reminded it's myself

So can I beat my enemy? Will I make it? Am I not trying hard enough
Or is my enemy just problematic, is my enemy really that tough?
Can I take my enemy and kill it, every morning every day?
Can I drown it, beat it, and defeat it, or will I lose my own way?
If I'm to triumph on my enemy, my enemy must become my friend
If I'm to see all of the means, then I must make due with the ends
If I'm to stop my enemy from succeeding and taking all that's left
I've got to see my enemy is controlled by none other than myself

Disease

My life is just beginning as we speak
Oh I feel so weak
I could just hold onto you forever
You're nurturing me and you'll make me whole
Till we both grow old
I can see we'll always be together
But something's hiding in your eyes
And you know I don't like surprises
So tell me what is stirring in your soul

You told me I've got a lot in common with disease
You told me I've been weighing you down with all of my needs
You told me that you loved me, but you're weakening in the knees
So now it's time to let me go

You cut me off and I thought I would die
But all I did was cry
I wanted to crawl in a hole forever
I tried to come back and apologize
And I failed to realize
I took and took, yet I gave never
There's something showing in my eyes
I know now why you finalized us
I think that I'm beginning to feel whole

I found out I had a lot in common with disease
I found out I'd drained you as though I were just a leech
I will always love you, but I see I made you weak
So I'm okay to let you go

I grew out of my pattern long ago
Can't do that anymore
Been standing on my feet forever
I've had a few diseases all my own
They've since been overthrown
I'm so thankful for the storms I've weathered
So if you're hearing me right now
These words I'm saying clear and loud
It's time for you to take back the control

Some people, they just have a lot in common with disease
Some people just don't feel right unless they're making you feel weak
You can love them, but you don't have to live with their defeat
I'm saying it's okay to let them go

Victory

I will throw my enemy down tonight
I will smite your ruin upon the mountainside
I will fight - I will conquer
You have strength - but I am stronger
I will taste the victory this time

I did not pass through fire and death
To deal with you - so save your last breath
I did not fall through space and time
To banter with you, pitiful slime
You have abandoned righteousness
You chose a path of sightless bliss
I come to you to deliver justice
For those who carry the sentence must swing the sword

I will swing for the nape under your head
You will fall now, lifeless and dead
All your miseries I will undo
Those who fell to your spell - I release you
I will draw you like poison from a wound
I will not stop until your rule is removed
You will be banished, undone, entombed
For those who lust for power come before a fall

And fall you must
All you wicked, conceited and cancerous
I will hunt you down from ash to dust
I will stand and rejoice, victorious

Weeping Willow

I shed not an autumn leaf
Rainfall doesn't bother me
I am not a rolling stone
Yet I gather moss all on my own
Branches hanging in the air
Have you ever been up there?

It alone is where I long to be
But rooted in the ground, my destiny

I care not for heat and fire
My bark entrenched in the mire
Nurturing the smaller folk
My life seems a cruel joke
Someone out there tell me why
I can't soar the open sky

For it alone is where I long to be
Rooting futile in the ground is my destiny
I don't feel I'm asking much, just an atmospheric touch
Please free me from this cursed gravity

As I wither slowly down
All of me is earthen bound
I knew you wouldn't grant my wish
I knew that it would come to this
I've fought so hard against my grain
There's no thought left to entertain

The skyward plots are where I longed to be
Even now I wish they were here with me
My soil is old and I am too, I've lingered too long here with you
Come claim your victim, gravity

Statue

circa 1999

Stood in front of you
With both my hands in my pockets
That's not like me
My hands should always be busy
Wonder how long you've
Watched me
Directionless misery
Set me free or leave me be
Watch your face light up behind the screen
So in touch with everyone
But me
Waiting
Waiting
Waiting for an answer
It isn't coming
It never will. You are
Scared - immobilized, because of the
Chance I might be real
Might just have to learn to
Be happy
Might just have to learn
True love
It's alright. Much safer here
Never go outside, my love
My hand stretches to a void
I am permanence among this rat race
Permanence decays

Convent Moll

Smokey room and dusted eyes
Same four walls and shattered glass
Heaven's gaze has turned away
But the red mark on your door stays
Come to me with broken hands
Come to me because you can
I will heal you, consume your suffering
You will drain me until nothing remains

Pray for the end
You've yet to begin
I hear your prayer for the end
But you've yet to begin

Curl like fog around my veins
Set like sun on flattened hills
There is beauty 'neath your will
Sink your teeth in me once again
Taste my blood and carve your name
Wrap your fingers 'round my nerves
Push me away with inertia's weight
Slip into the abyss where you long to be

Pray for the end
You've yet to begin
I hear your prayer for the end
But you've yet to begin

Short of breath at every pulse
Juxtaposed and tangled up
Moving slowly, moving fast
Moment comes, then flies away
Something's writhing in this bed
Has the serpent reared its head?
Coiled and shaking, venomous
Devour me, Ouroboros